Mushy Gushy Love Barf Bags
by Ze Dolphinator
Summary: Sam Puckett finds people can change. A lot. And she's not exactly a big fan of it.
1. Changing Worlds

I, Sam Puckett, was twenty-four years old when I got the invitation.

A lot had happened since our weekly "Random Dancing." I mean, a lot. If I had seen myself now eight years ago, I wouldn't have thought it was real. A dream, maybe, but anything but reality. In my senior year, I finally decided to buckle down and start working. Melanie had already secured a college and a high-paying job, and I wasn't about to be left in the dust. If I was graduating, I needed to have a job to make some money, and flipping burgers (and eating some of them) at Harry's Hamburger Hut wasn't going to get me enough.

So I tried to pay attention in whatever math class I was in and actually started making A's and B's on tests. Who knew Carly was right all this time? Apparently studying and doing homework does give you good grades.

After my graduation, I signed up for community college refresher courses, to try and learn everything I hadn't for the last five years of my life. And on top of that, a performing arts college tracked me down, recognizing me from iCarly, that long-dead webshow that ended when… ah, let's just say "sculpture malfunction." Someone… _important_ got hurt… really hurt. Anyway, enough about obsolete internet megahits. The college asked me to audition, and said I might have a shot to be in a comedy play they were producing. Plus the fact that Melanie forced me to take a few singing lessons might have helped.

So I moved to New York, while Carly moved to Yakima with her grandfather. She didn't want to, but she didn't exactly have a choice. She was sixteen, so it was only for two years. She survived, and moved back to the only place she could call home, Seattle. She decided to check out her apartment for the heck of it, and saw that Freddie had moved out a year ago. His mom was an emotional wreck, sobbing over the loss of her darling baby boy and claiming Carly had made him turn eighteen and move out, when in reality he was just in a dorm room at MIT. Once a year, he would come home, and gave his mother the only relief she'd have for a while. Carly, however, decided to buy the apartment that used to be hers, as a sort of nostalgic memory.

Or at least that's what they told me from the too-far-and-too-few-inbetween phone calls.

It was a Wednesday, and I heard the doorbell ring right on time at noon. I rolled my eyes at the stupid task that had taken me away from my delicious ham-and-cheese-and-ham sandwich. I slammed the ham-and-cheese-and-ham on the plate and walked to the door and grabbed the mail. Bills, bills, junk, ads, bills… I tried to toss the bills in the garbage, but stupid Melanie got in my head. "Sam, you can't not pay the bills! Bills are your friend!" Groaning, I picked the bills up and brought them inside.

That's when I noticed the invitation.

It had a pale pink and lacy envelope with pastel hearts, kiss marks, and Cupids all over it. Ugh. Somebody get me a barf bag. I tore it open, a little too excited to tear that weirdo in a diaper in half, and pulled the paper out. The top had more nonsensical lovey-dovey mush. It was some color between pink and puke, and had the weirdest cursive writing on it. You know, the kind the fancy fat old kings use? I can't read that stuff, so I just skipped it and looked down. The below text was a little more readable:

**SAVE THE DATE!**

**CARLY SHAY AND FREDWARD BENSON**

**OCTOBER 21****ST****, 2018**

Carly Shay.

Freddie Benson.

Carly.

Freddie.

Carly… and Freddie…

Carly and Freddie?

Carlyfreddie

**No.**

There were photos below, of them just doing stupid couple stuff, like holding hands, kissing each other on the cheek, walking in the park, but my tears clouded my vision. This couldn't be happening. My two best friends, engaged. Getting married. No, no, no no no no…

How could Carly do this to me? She knew I liked Freddie. No, not liked, loved. I loved Freddie. I have and will. I don't care what she does, I'm not changing. She knows we kissed twice, heck, she even saw us the second time! I mean, it's not like Freddie wanted to… the first time, it was just to get it over with. But I felt something! Why didn't he? Why didn't he care? That was what bothered me the most, and partially why I kissed him the second time. I needed to see if he had felt something, if he even cared. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't.

And he didn't kiss back or anything.

But I apologized.

And he said it was cool.

"It's cool…"

No it wasn't.

I collasped onto the couch and sobbed, courtesy of a broken heart.

_To be continued…_


	2. Determination

It took a few hours for me to get the wedding out of my head long enough to actually function semi-normally. I ate dinner (microwavable triple meat pizza), I cleaned the apartment (well, at least the television) and I tried to practice my lines for a play I was supposed to be in (it didn't work.) At eight o'clock, my phone buzzed, and I answered it hesitantly. "Hello?"

"Sam! Oh my god! I haven't talked to you in forever!"

"Carly? Wow, looks like you're two weeks early for your annual catch-up call. Congratulations." I muttered bitterly.

"Don't be such a grouch." she scolded. "So… I sent you something in the mail a few days ago, did you get it yet?"

Oh, and I had almost forgotten about the wedding. Thank you, ex-best friend. I decided to feign ignorance: "Get what yet?"

"The invitation!"

I tried to make a confused sound. I made one more like a heartbroken girl. "Uhhh…?"

I heard Carly giggle. "Sam, you sound so stupid! Okay, I've got really, really big news for you, and you're gonna just flip out when you hear it!"

Flip out. Yeah, let's go with that. "Yay, news…"

"FREDDIE AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED!" she squealed all in one breath, nearly blowing my eardrums out. It took all of my strength not to start crying at the fact that not only had my first love completely forgotten, but my friend didn't even care at all. "You… you are? Wow, I had no idea!" I tried to act innocent, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. And Carly wasn't fooled, either. She knew something was wrong.

"Sam? You okay? You don't sound happy. Is something wrong?" she inquired. Oh, if only she knew.

"I'm fine, thanks." I lied.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Carly. I'm fine. Really."

"If you say so…"

There was an awkward silence for about twenty seconds before she broke the ice that had just formed around us. "Oh, and I have a surprise for you!"

"Is it steak?"

She laughed. "No, Sam!"

Pause.

"I want you to be my bridesmaid!"

And there it is.

"Sure, Carly. I'll be there." I couldn't have sounded more bored or unhappy.

"You will?" she squealed. There's no way that peppy girl could be 23.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." I muttered through gritted teeth.

"Great! It's on October 21st, and it's at that park. You know, the one we'd play at when we were, like, in fifth grade? The one with, um, the cherry blossoms and the gazebo and stuff?"

"Perennial Park?" I offered.

"Yes! Perene- Perri- You know, I could never say that word." She chuckled at her own joke, and I tried to laugh along.

"I guess I'll see you there…"

"YAY! So, I'll email you the link to the dress to buy. It'll be a steal, only, like, 200 bucks…"

My eyes widened in shock. How big was this ceremony gonna be? "Yeah, about that… I'm kinda broke…"

"Oh, it's okay. I can just loan you the money." she offered.

Okay, now I needed that money. I wasn't going to let Carly one-up me. "Two hundred is fine." I said flatly. "I'll come up with the money. I have time."

"Great!" she squealed. Again. Where does she get her energy? "I'll see you there?"

I clicked my phone shut. I walked over to the kitchen, where the calendar hung, and using a paper clip, snapped the invitation to the 21st. I didn't want to go, but I had to. I needed to see Freddie one more time, and it looked like this was my last chance.

Good luck, Carly. If you think you can keep him by your side when I step through that door, you'd better go get yourself some reinforcements and a cup of reality.


	3. Dresses and Deaths

I was searching eBay for the poofy dress Carly had emailed me, trying to find it for under 100 dollars (I'd tried saving money, but I was eating MYSELF out of house and home) when my phone rang. It was Carly, for the eighteenth time in a week. Honestly. She'd call me at all hours, checking up in me, her darling bridesmaid, making sure I was doing everything in my power to make her wedding a success. Blargh. I was sick of her compulsively calling me and refused to answer. "Let's see you do better, Shay." I muttered with a triumphant grin on my face.

She left a voicemail. I listened.

"SAM! PICK UP YOUR STUPID PHONE! I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION!"

Haha, nice try. Your mind tricks don't work on-

She called back. On the fifth ring, I picked up.

"What now!"

"Oh, hey, so you got my message!" she nonchalantly stated. I rolled my eyes at her innocence. Is this what getting married does to your mind? Like drugs or something, I guess. No wonder why newlyweds and honeymooners are stupid.

"Yes, I got your message… and the one before that… and the one before that…" I replied sarcastically. "And no, I have not booked Cuttlefish to play at your wedding, nor have I bought your Oriental silk wedding dress. Does that mean I'm lazy?" I shot at her, daring her to talk back.

"Actually, Cuttlefish is kind of getting old now. You need to book Jade Oliver. She'd be amazing. I could totally imagine me and Fweddie-bear slow dancing together, under the stars-" I cut her off right there.

"Fweddie-bear?"

She laughed in an almost deranged way. "It sounds even cuter when you say it…"

Oh my god. Okay. I wasn't going to put up with her going into her little fantasy land of rainbows and ponies with Prince Fredlumps riding up on his white sparkly steed and her hopping on in her perfect pink princess dress and riding off into the sunset. "Guess what, Carly? I'm not going to keep working on this dream wedding for you if you keep this up. I don't care how in love you are with Freddie, you need some self-control! Get out of the house! Play a video game! Read a book! Do cartwheels! Do _something!_"

There was a long pause before a timid voice piped up.

"Is this… because you love Freddie?"

Oh god. She'd figured it out. Well, she was my best friend, whether she was engaged to my dream guy or not. I had to talk to her. I could trust her with a secret. She doesn't tell. Well, except for the time ten years ago when I changed her grade in the school's computer, but that's neither here nor there.

"It is because of Freddie, isn't it?"

I took a deep breath, trying to suck the tears back into my eyes, and whispered, "Yes."

She sighed, trying to think of the right words to say. "I'm- I'm sorry. I- I know how much you… liked him… And I know why you kissed him that day when we were doing the project at school, and I didn't mean for you to think I stole him, because I didn't… I just- He- I-"

I cut her off. "I get it. Let's just drop it."

She sighed again. "Alright… I'll see you in a few weeks. I purchased you plane tickets, so you can fly out to see us. Actually, I, um, used some of Spencer's artist money. Remember the Bubble Bot sculpture? We finally got that thing out of our apartment."

"Dead artists make the most, right?" I joked, trying to hide the sadness in my voice. Spencer had died showing off one of his most amazing pieces he'd ever created – live on iCarly. We were doing Random Dancing and he was shaking the sculpture around. Actually, it was more of a windmill with a huge battery for an engine. Neither of us were looking (we were waggling our tongues around like dogs at the camera) when we heard a huge crash. The battery had fallen down and crushed Spencer. He was 29. Oh my god…

Carly abruptly burst into tears and her voice started shaking uncontrollably. "I miss him so much, Sam…"

"So do I, Carls." I murmured. I don't care how weird he was or how many times he denied me chicken from their fridge, all of us missed Spencer.

"Bye, nutcase…"

"See ya, priss."

She hung up, leaving me to go back to my eBay search for that bridesmaid dress. I stared at the picture a bit more, trying to memorize all the details of it. It was a gaudy blue and purple dress that reached the floor, with tons of sequins all over it. Kinda like the one we wore in the weirdo wedding in Minnesota or Michigan or whatever, except way more shiny. Just looking at the picture made my eyes burn.

That's when I had my idea.

Carly wants a pretty dress for the wedding?

I'll give her a pretty dress for the wedding.


	4. Vanished Memories

Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday Carly asked me to come to the wedding. Yet it was over four months ago. I had my dress (not the gaudy, ugly one, mind you) packed in my suitcase, and I was flying over the Rocky Mountains, my MP3 playing at full blast, trying to calm my nerves. Was my plan going to work? Would Carly realize I had an ulterior motive for coming? She'd probably hate me forever after this, but it needed to be done.

The plane landed, and my nerves got out of control once I saw Carly at the airport, holding up a big sign with "Sam Puckett" printed on it in eye-burning neon pinks and oranges. I walked up to her, and she squealed, grabbed my arms, and jumped up and down. "OH MY GOD, SAM!" she yelled, causing everyone within earshot to stare. I grinned awkwardly, trying to get all these unnecessary pairs of eyes off us. "Hey, Carls…"

We headed over to the baggage claim, and I waited for what seemed like forever for my bag to get here. A floral bag slid over to me, and while it was the best suitcase I had, suddenly it seemed really tacky. _I _seemed really tacky. I snuck a peek at what Carly was wearing (a leather jacket and a gorgeous bubble skirt dress, accented with a crystal necklace and a pair of gladiator heels) and then looked down at my clothes (a layered t-shirt, flare jeans, and a generic pair of sneakers). And I knew she noticed, too. At least she had the dignity not to mention anything.

"Is your dress in there?" she asked me while we walked to the parking lot. "Yes, Carly," I sighed, "for the fifth time, a dress is in there." At least she didn't pick up on my hint, because she squealed, "Pull it out and let me see it! I'm sure the dress looks amazing on you."

"I don't think so, Carls. I'd rather save the dress for your wedding. That way, it's more of a surprise, you know?" Nice save, Sam.

We walked for a little bit more before pausing. "Why did we stop?" I asked, looking around for any discernible reason."

"This is my car!" she half-squealed, half-beamed. My eyes widened in awe. That was Carly's car? It was a gorgeous black car with sleek curves and shiny chrome all over. It must have cost a fortune! She pressed a button on the keychain she had, and the doors went up. Not out. Up. _The doors went up._

We stepped in the car, and I could tell we were sitting on leather. She pressed a large blue button, and the entire car lit up. There were LCD neon lights all over the car! A calm female voice quietly said "Welcome," and then the car had started. Just like that. My eyes were as wide as oranges, but she looked as if she'd done this a thousand times. Then again, she probably had.

Carly calmly leaned towards the dashboard and tapped a button, causing a microphone to pop out of the steering wheel. "Direct to Home." she stated, and a GPS slid out of the glove box and began navigating to her house. Who needs a GPS to get to their own house? Okay, _now _she was just showing off.

We made it back to her house within fifteen minutes. She'd remolded the old apartment into something modern and practical. Any traces that a quirky artist had once lived here was gone. "What happened?" I all but screamed. Carly clearly didn't hear the urgency or shock in my voice, and simply stated, "I did some work on the place. You like it?" It took everything I had to swallow what I really wanted to say and mutter, "It's nice." I had to see if she'd changed anything else.

Her bedroom was completely different, nothing like the room we'd spent 82 thousand dollars on. It was calm and efficient; a master bedroom and nothing else. Her gummi bear chandelier had been replaced by a small lamp dangling above her bed. Clean white sheets and wooden boards taunted me as if to say, "Your old memories are gone. What are you going to do now?"

I fled the room and took the elevator up to the iCarly studio. Everything, _everything _had been torn down. The Newton Balls, the 17% faster monitor, the prop car, _everything. _I couldn't take this. I couldn't believe Carly would just get rid of everything. We'd worked on making everything in the house special and unique, and just like that, she'd changed it into her own little prissy palace, like she didn't even care that we didn't want any of these changes. We needed the old Shay residence back. But now it was gone forever.

I heard a knock on the door and ran back downstairs, wanting to see who it was. I looked through the peephole and it was Freddie. Freddie! I hadn't seen him in seven years. I guess now was my chance.

"Carly? Carly?" I heard him calling.

"Carly, where are you?" I yelled out.

"In the bathroom!" she replied.

Awesome. I ran to the door and twisted the lock. She'd have to stay in there until I was done talking with Freddie. I wasn't going to have Little Miss Meddler interfering. I needed to talk with him, one-on-one.

I opened to door and stepped out, trying to hide the fear and awkwardness I felt inside.

"Hello, Fredley."


	5. Kicked Out for Kissing

Freddie saw me, and his eyes widened. "Sam?"

I laughed in spite of myself. I couldn't believe it was him. He looked so... different. He was at least six inches taller than me, and his hair had been cut so his barely-a-fauxhawk was now a faux-fauxhawk. He looked older, and a little bit more tired, but it was him. I couldn't help I did next: I threw my arms around his neck and gave him a huge hug. "I missed you guys so much!"

"It's been so long since we saw you, Sam! How long has it been, six years?"

"Seven."

"Seems even longer…"

Insert awkward silence here. What do you say to the guy you love but haven't seen in seven years and is getting married to your best friend tomorrow? "Nice to see you?" "Been a while?" "Hey, sorry for not telling you but I've loved you since eighth grade and I want you to dump my best friend, your fiancée, at the altar tomorrow?" Luckily, he broke the silence for me. "Where's Carly? I want to talk to her…"

"She's in the bathroom." I told him matter-of-factly. Carly chose just that moment to yell out, "Sam! Unlock this door right now!" Freddie clearly heard if the confused look on his face was anything to go by, and I was only able to to quietly and nervously giggle, "Eh-heh…"

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing." I waved it off with a casual tone, but inside, I was freaking out. "So… the apartment looks really… different…"

"Yeah, it does." Freddie agreed. I couldn't tell if he was excited, upset, or just trying to make conversation.

"Carly decorated all of it?"

"Uh-huh."

"And you're okay with all of these changes?"

"Well, sure, I don't really mind-"

"FREDDIE, I LOVE YOU!" I screamed before I could stop myself. I grabbed his polo collar, yanked him towards me, and pressed my lips against him. After about two seconds did the implications sink in: _He's getting married to your best friend tomorrow, and you're making out with him!" _Ew. I shoved him away, and his shocked facial expression told the whole story. "WHY DID YOU JUST-"

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Carly yelled at the exact same time. Wait, Carly? I whirled around to see her standing in the doorway, splinters all over her body and a very angry look on her face.

"But- what- how did you get out?" I yelled. She held up a splinter-covered hand. "I don't get my nails done once a week for nothing. I asked you a question. WHAT IS GOING ON?"

"NOTHING, I WAS JUST-"

"SHE TRIED TO KISS ME AND I-"

"SHE WHAT?"

"NO I DIDN'T, FREDDIE!"

"YES YOU DID!"

"_SHUT UP!"_

Carly stopped yelling, and that seemed to make everyone quiet down. "You... kissed him?" I could hear her voice cracking, and now t hat I looked ore closely at her face, she had tears welling up in her eyes. "Why… would you do that to me?"

"I'm sorry…"

"SAM! You don't understand! You really did it this time! You can't just kiss people's fiancées _the day before their wedding _all because of some crush you had a decade ago!"

"It wasn't just a crush…"

"I don't care. You can come to our wedding, because I put my faith in your and you were the only bridesmaid I asked, but you may not stay in my house tonight. Go find a hotel or sleep on the streets or something, I don't care!"

"But I'm broke, and-"

"I DON'T CARE! Get out of my house!" She stormed back in, grabbed my tacky flower-printed suitcase, and dropped it at my feet. "Get out of here NOW." she hissed. And suddenly, I didn't care what I did or who noticed. I grabbed Freddie collar and kissed him again, and this time, every single one of the reasons why this was wrong or stupid sunk in, and I could care less. The kiss ended when Carly marched over to us, pried my fingers off of him, and yanked him away. With that, I grabbed the suitcase and walked to the elevator.

Wow. If Carly didn't like that, she REALLY wasn't going to like what I was planning for tomorrow.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

To seddie4ever: Actually, the reason why I chose the date October 21st is because it's _**my **_birthday, too! Strange koinkidink, huh? Don't worry about the shipping thing, I think this chapter has pretty much cemented what direction I'm taking the story.


End file.
